What does the word Priceless mean to you? For me it is my Heavenly Father's love, His arms where I have come to rest and it is how He sees me!!! I felt Disposable as a child and teenager, my mother didn't want me, my father didn't want me and I was beaten and bruised, feeling like I didn't matter, nobody wanted me or loved me and that I was good for nothing and no one. I was ugly, stupid, useless, as I am writing this my fingers freeze on the keyboard while I remember these feelings and words that were spoken over me, I was tortured by night terrors and walking in my sleep, I was starved not having food for days and weeks, I just wanted to be freed from the fear and chaos that was my life. I tried to take my life a few times but my big brother came to my rescue every time.
I put this piece aside because I am afraid to write the thoughts, feelings and memories that rush to my conscious mind but now as I am reading the first paragraph God reminds me that I don't have to be afraid because He was there in the midst of the pain and chaos. God was holding me in His arms and protecting me reassuring me, even though I didn't know His voice at the age of thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, that He was in control and that He would bring me out of the black clouds that was my life then. The despair, despondency that I felt, that I felt like an orphan, having no family not even a brother, sister, mother, father, especially a mother or a father.
This summer, as always; my aunt, my mother's sister, and my uncle, rented a house for a week for my cousin's and their family's to vacation together; and as always they invited my sister and her children, my mom and myself with my children to visit for the day. My uncle and my cousin, Victoria, came to pick us up from the ferry because it was cheaper for us to ride as foot passengers; my sister, Becky, drove her van, paid by Grammy, my mom's mom as Becky has two little ones and it's easier for her and Grammy to ride in a vehicle. As the day progressed, my family and I walked the twenty feet from the house to the beach and played. Some in the water, some playing on the sand, and some including me sitting on a log just visiting; in that moment as I watched my beloved family playing, God spoke to me through the picture of the moment and He told me that I was not then and am not now, an orphan. He gifted me an aunt, uncle, cousins, grandparents that opened their home to me and my broken heart and made me a family. My Heavenly Father became my father as my earthly father rejected me and my siblings, my Heavenly Father held me when I cried and whispered in my ear, even though I couldn't hear Him, that I am His.
Psalm 139:14-16 says: "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. NASB.
Psalm 27:10 says: "For when my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the Lord will take me. NASB. Grammy spoke that verse over me at my baptism, when I was fourteen, and it became my promise, I clung to it and still did until two years ago when I met God face to face and He began the process of healing and setting me free from the shackles of my childhood.
This summer I was led through healing because of an experience that happened while I was walking in downtown Vancouver and it in an instant, it brought me back to my childhood and I heard the words that were spoken over me by my father and my stepmother at the time: two women walked past me, they were well dressed, well coifed, impeccably attired in expensive shoes and equally expensive handbags, both blonde and slim; in a split second made me feel so small and insignificant, it felt like they ripped my heart out of my chest, squeezed it until it was dust and then stomped the dust with their shoes. I was dressed in shorts, a t-shirt and orange crocs. My heart hurt the entire rest of the day and into the next. I went up for healing at church and told three incredible women what had happened, they prayed over me, made me put my hands on my stomach and asked me to listen for what God wanted to say to me about how He saw me if He was walking down the street and passed by me; this is what I heard: I matter; I'm beautiful; I'm smart; I'm more than good enough; I'm important; I'm extraordinary; I'm perfect; I see a little girl full of wonder and anticipation; I have a good and generous heart and God loves that about me; and He loves me no matter what.
Proverbs 31:25 says: Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. NASB. This is also how God sees me and who I am going to be because He gives me the grace to become this woman.
I am priceless, I am all the things that I heard that day this past summer and I am not an orphan. I have a family, a church family and a Heavenly Father to which I belong and matter, to which I am loved. So please remember this, cling to these words when you feel like an orphan, please leave a comment below if you have ever felt even a little bit this way and I will pray for you and hopefully meet you one day and we can revel in our beauty together.
Have a great day and tomorrow we'll chat over tea about...