My mom left my brother, sister, dad and I when I was almost twelve. When my dad married my first stepmother, he chose her and her children over us, my brother, sister and I, and when he left her the first time I thought that things could go back to normal. After my mom left, my dad moved us from the house we lived in since moving to White Rock after returning from living in New Zealand for a year and a half, to a town house just outside of White Rock and we adjusted to life without my mom...I did the laundry, vacuuming, dishes, and cleaning the bathrooms; Matthew helped my dad clip coupons and did the grocery shopping; and Becky helped me with bathrooms and did the cooking with help from Matthew because she was only ten. Back to life with and without my first stepmother, dad moved us to a house in Vancouver and we would have to get up before the sun came up to catch the bus to White Rock to go to school and remember standing in the rain feeling so alone and abandoned. Then he dragged us back to her and her four children for awhile but left her again, after he kicked Matthew out of the house, asked Matthew's girlfriend's parent's if Becky and I could stay with them. He dragged us back to "her" house again but kicked Becky out when she was afraid to come home and then left her again only to drop me on the doorstep of my mom's and stepdad's apartment where Becky was living; this time he left us there and I assume went back to her at some point. My mom and stepdad were in AA, Becky and I were physically beating on each other, I was angry, battered, broken in my spirit and heart, feeling abandoned and rejected; my stepdad couldn't stand it anymore and told my mom to ask my grandparent's if I could stay with them for the summer. So off I went.
For me the word disposable meant "me"...to the people who were supposed to protect, cherish and love me, I was so easily disposed of like the garbage and one morning when I was standing in front of the mirror once again speaking the words that were spoken over me for what seemed like forever because they were ingrained in my brain: good for nothing; no man will ever love you; ugly; stupid; useless; I and everybody hates you; no one wants you, my Grammy said to me to stop calling God a liar, that He doesn't make junk, and He didn't make a mistake in creating you.
That was when the healing started and I began a walk, at sixteen, on a trail that became a hike up the tallest mountain to see and become the woman that God called me to be. I AM NOT DISPOSABLE...I AM NOT ALONE...I AM NOT ABANDONED...I AM NOT REJECTED...I AM BEAUTIFUL. Fourteen years ago, God led me to a church that embraced my "emotional" side, that encouraged me to speak the words that I hadn't known till then that God was giving me, that helped me to see that the dreams that I was dreaming were not from my imagination but from God and then two years this little church led me to another church that was walking in the supernatural everyday. They were holding a healing weekend and my girlfriend who does not go to my church, told me that we were going and so we lined up on Saturday morning to get into this healing room. I had no expectations of God but I was open to whatever He was going do to. We had to fill out a card with areas of our lives that we needed prayer for. I had some health issues, Pedro and I had financial issues, and I wanted to be healed from my childhood. We walked up stairs that led to their healing room, which is also their sanctuary, where there was their worship team playing music, women dancing and speaking over people and I started crying as soon as I sat down. A woman approached me and asked if she could touch me, instantly I started laughing while I was crying, she said that she was hearing the word beautiful, and I was crying again and shaking all over. Then it was my turn to go into the prayer room. I was surrounded by people, one woman attended my church, and they started praying over me. I lay on the floor because I was so tired from feeling "disposable" and ugly and I said that I just wanted him to love me. I wasn't speaking about my dad, I speaking of God and one of the men in the prayer group told me that He did and answered than where was He in the midst of all the turmoil and chaos that was my life in my dad and stepmother's house. He answered back that God was there all the time with me, that He never left me...to be continued