Leaving Katarina home alone, for most people leaving their thirteen-year-old alone isn't a big deal, I was babysitting when I was thirteen but it's a different world now at least that's what I keep telling myself. She has anxiety so what if she gets scared or lonely? What if she has a lot of homework and needs my help? These reasons seem logical and cautious but there was something deeper going on but I couldn't put my finger on it, until this weekend.
My church had a spiritual conference a few weeks ago and God knew I needed to hear what was said right now. He knew that I was ready to have Him change my life and get rid of more junk and lies from my childhood and He knew that the woman leading was going to say exactly what I needed to hear to have serious breakthrough. Through the words that Gretchen spoke, God revealed lies and words that were spoken over me as a child and adolescent were still affecting me and that I was still believing them...they were stealing my joy and standing in the way of my achieving success, they were a roadblock that needed to be destroyed by a big wrecking ball. I had a breakthrough in that I realized that all my childhood I was proud of being a tomboy, that I didn't want to be a girl because I believed that my dad always wanted me to be a boy and so he treated me like one. I was never allowed to wear a bikini, I was never allowed to wear pink, he taught me how to play every sport imaginable, I never played with dolls and the only reason I had anything Barbie was because my friends bought it for me for my birthday, my dad bought me rugby pants or I wore my brothers hand-me-downs and the only reason I wore a skirt and blouse to school was because I had to wear a uniform. The biggest reason for me stopping going to the gym was because of my chest; I have what I always called a "boy-figure,'" I am straight up and down, no hips, no waist, no chest and so I believed that I looked like a boy - it is very difficult for me to write this as it is at the core of my success in getting healthy and fit because if I can't write this and face these pictures of who I believed I am, I will win this race - my biggest hurdle in how I see myself is my chest...God showed me that if I lose weight and become a healthy size that I will lose my chest because I really am not well-endowed in this area...my fear is that if I don't have, please forgive me if I offend anyone, if I don't have big boobs than I won't be a girl, I won't look like a girl but God corrected me that night. He told me that He created me and made me a girl, that He didn't make a mistake, that I am a girl regardless of the size of my chest, that I am feminine and pretty, that I am not the size of my chest.
So, I will continue riding my wave to health and there is always push-up bras, I will love my shape when I have completed this race - 2 Timothy:4 NIV - and will see the beautiful woman that God created.
Thank you for joining me on this race, have a great evening and tomorrow we will chat over tea about...